An ugly game in every sense of the word.

Kane and Lynch 2 contains so many uses of the word fuck I almost mistook it for punctuation. Imagine the infamous crime-investigation scene from the first series of The Wire, only stretched out over a period of several hours. And rather than mumbled passively under Dominic West’s faux-Baltimore breath, the F-bomb is screamed in your face, with added spittle, audible above the sound of gunfire and actual bombs.

Now, I’m hardly what you would call prudish, but I like variety in my swearing.  Kane and Lynch 2, however, has an agenda in it’s monochrome cursing. It wants you, desperately, to believe it’s a game for adults, for mature people, who drink alcohol and have boring jobs and stuff.  Sadly, it’s plain to see that Dog Days is really a six-year old girl wearing it’s mother’s make-up, and wearing it poorly.

This isn’t to say Kane and Lynch 2 is a terrible game. Actually it’s a solid shooter with a unique visual styling and the occasional inspired moment. But the equating of maturity with the number of fucks you can cram into a sentence (other swear words get a cameo at best) is just one of many instances where Dog Days falls short of its ambitions.

(more…)

Review: Mafia 2

You can take our lives, but you'll never take our Whiskey!

If you like Mafia, you will like Mafia 2. Normally you would see this  line at the end of a game review, but I figured I would spare you any tedious preamble and get straight to the root of the matter. After all, that’s pretty much how the rest of the gaming community has pigeon-holed 2K Czech’s latest creation.

In fairness, it is quite understandable that so many reviewers have resorted to this lowest-common-denominator of  conclusions. There’s no escaping the fact that Mafia 2 is very, very similar to it’s seven-year-old prequel.Yet games like  Starcraft 2 have seen nothing but praise for their similarities to the original, so it seems odd that Mafia 2 has been so harshly criticised for following the exact same development outline.

One reason for this is that many people expected Mafia 2 to be GTA IV in a sharper suit, and were disappointed when they discovered that, rather than being a free-roaming experience filled with wacky side missions and absurd challenges, the city of Empire Bay turned out to be little more than a backdrop for an intensely linear, plot-driven experience. 2K Czech want to tell a story, and they’re not going to let you get sidetracked by an irony achievement for running over a hundred people in an ambulance.

(more…)

Tagged with:
 

Yes, I know this screenshot have a "Move" Icon on it, and the review doesn't mention move.

No, I’m not going to go there. We all know what Tiger Woods did, and all the opinions that could possibly be held on the matter have been well and truly voiced, as have all the bad jokes that have surfaced since the incident. I’m as guilty as anyone else for participating in the worldwide mocking of one of the world’s greatest golfers, but right now I’m here to review a game, so let’s concentrate on that, shall we?

What I want to talk about is whether there’s any point whatsoever in buying this iteration of PGA Tour on the PS3. It’s been quite a while since I played a golf game other than the minigame on Wii Sports Resort, and I think this is somewhat understandable. After all, surely tapping the buttons on a gamepad pales in comparison to swinging a wii mote around.

Read the full review here

Tagged with:
 

Review: Space Ark

Lights! Colours! Sounds! Fruit!

Space Ark is so cute it verges on the point of being creepy. Imagine Iggle Piggle vomiting glitter and rainbows onto a giggling Tellytubby. That’s the scale of cuteness we’re talking about here. If the eyes of the Arkonauts were any bigger they would probably fall out of their sockets. Don’t let the fact that the game is aimed squarely at younger kids lead you to automatically assume it’s rubbish. While that might usually be the case, Space Ark is actually a decent chunk of (incredibly) fluffy fun.

Taking command of the sickeningly cute Arkonauts, it is your job to help them repopulate the galaxy by terraforming planets so that they are suitably luscious for the Arkonauts to reside on. So how is this terraforming process performed? A mixture of atmosphere engines, air purifiers, water generators and life-seeders? Don’t be silly, the best way to create habitable worlds is by playing a game that combines Breakout, Peggle and a sprinkling of space-invaders, of course.

Read the full review here.

Tagged with:
 

Charles and Camilla's new mode of transport might be described as overkill.

Before I get into this review properly, I have to say that whoever thought putting a stationary turret section in ArmA 2: Operation Arrowhead was a good idea deserves to be tied naked to a serengeti tree branch before having their dangly parts painted green and introduced to a hungry giraffe.

Such an obscure and elaborate torture might seem unnecessary, but turret sections are irritating enough in the least realistic of shooting games. Not only are they enormously dull, they show a distinct lack of imagination on the part of the developer. But in a Military Simulator, where jet fighters and anti-air turrets actually work as they do in the real world, it’s an experience liable to have you pulling your own fingernails out with your teeth in frustration.

Read the full review here.

Points if you can see what's going on.

To openly admit to one of the biggest cliché’s in storytelling in the very title of your game is a pretty bold move. To then set your game in a stereotypical haunted castle complete with rattling chains, a mysterious host with a voice so deep and gravely its bordering on parody, and even a secret room hidden behind a bookshelf, seems more like waving a big pair of landing lights for the spectre of mediocrity. In fact, if you’re a newcomer to the twisted creative vision of Frictional Games, you’d be forgiven for thinking that their latest attempt at scaring the living daylights out of you was seriously lacking in the imagination department.

If, however, you’ve experienced the macabre delights of the Penumbra trilogy, then you will probably be drooling at the prospect of Frictional going back to the roots of Gothic horror. While the third part of their trilogy, Requiem may have been something of a misfire, Overture was an impressive first release from the developer, and Black Plague was a mini masterpiece, earning itself a nomination from the Writer’s Guild of Britain for best videogame script. Now, having got some serious hands-on time with Frictional’s upcoming title – Amnesia: The Dark Descent – I can say that you needn’t have any qualms about the apparent conventionality of Frictional’s second original IP.

Read the full preview here.

Ship-tipping, the explosive nautical equivalent of cow-tipping.

Even though this is only a preview, I think it’s safe to say that Commander: Conquest of the Americas will have some of the best looking water yet seen in a game. The campaign map shimmers a whole spectrum of blues, from the murky indigo of the mid-Atlantic to the crystalline colourings of the Caribbean.

I admit this is hardly the most important aspect of the spiritual successor to East India Company, but considering the game will revolve almost entirely around water, whether you’re sailing through it, trading across it, or fighting on it, it’s reassuring to know that Nitro Games have gone to the effort to make it look as realistic as possible.

Read the full preview here.

Review: Heroes of Newerth

No, I'm not sure what's going on either, but whatever it is, it's definitely green.

Any game that lets you play as a panda at least deserves a cursory glance. A game that lets you play as a panda and sixty-three other types of hero, on the other hand, deserves a damn long stare, preferably with your eyes screwed up and through a magnifying glass or another form of ocular enhancement. Heroes of Newerth is such a game, the latest in the increasingly popular genre of Multiplayer Online Battle Arena (MOBA) games.

The basic premise of the game pitches two teams of five players against one another, with the objective of both teams being to destroy their rival’s main base. Simple eh? That’s what I thought when I was stupid enough to dive right into the fray, disregarding the tutorial. I failed to acquire a single kill and experienced a cascade of insults from my frustrated team-mates.

Read the full review here.

Tagged with:
 

Looks impressive, until you realise this is virtually all the units you can spawn at any one time.

Carving out a successful acting career in the games industry is a bit like trying to build a fortress out of soggy cornflakes. Sure, you get the odd big-name actor doing voice work such as Patrick Stewart’s brief appearance as the doomed Emperor in Oblivion, or Lance Henriksen, whose gravely tones can be heard in Aliens vs Predator and Modern Warfare 2. But both were well-known actors well before they made forays into videogames.

Joe Kucan is different. In 1995 he took the dripping leftovers of his breakfast and constructed something really quite impressive, gaining a similar sort of cult status as Leonard Nimoy and that bloke who played Boba Fett in Star Wars. In fact, such is Kucan’s popularity he has become the main selling-point of the Command and Conquer series.

For the uninitiated, Joe Kucan plays Kane, the shiny-headed megalomaniac infamous for his unceasing strive for world domination and well and truly hamming-it-up in C&C’s now legendary cutscenes. Fifteen years on from the original game and the Tiberium saga is coming to an end. EALA promised an epic conclusion to the saga that would leave fans feeling satisfied. Sadly, what they have delivered is something of a damp squib that will probably enrage the majority of C&C fans.

This isn’t to say that C&C4 is a terrible game. It’s quite enjoyable once you’ve worked out what the hell is going on. The main problem is that C&C4 isn’t really a Command and Conquer game, and it’s not entirely sure what it is instead.

The Command and Conquer strategy template is simple, you build a base, create an army of units, and then destroy the enemy’s base before he can do the same to you. After three games which all play this way, the mechanic has become rather tired. It’s therefore understandable that EALA would want to make some changes. So what they have done is taken every innovative strategy game over the past five years, put them in a pile, and then repeatedly stamped on them until everything has compressed into a vaguely workable strategic mush.

Aside from the live-action cutscenes and a few recognisable units, absolutely everything has been changed. Gone is the base-building, replaced with three slightly different “crawler” units which act as command centres, unit creators, and useless tanks on legs. Enemy bases are also a thing of the past; victory now requiring you to capture control points around the map. Tiberium – the crystalline fuel-source which is gradually consuming the Earth – is now collected for upgrade-points rather than harvested to build more units. Underpinning all this is a system of experience accumulation, unlockables and upgrades.

Strangely, all of these changes don’t seems to make the game anymore interesting. The best “strategy” is still to build as many units as possible and charge directly at the enemy – the only difference being that your base follows you around. Although, these changes don’t have anything to do with rebooting the franchise. The real reason behind these alterations is mind-bogglingly weird. Simply put, the game is built around its DRM.

Interestingly, EA claim the game has no DRM at all, but let me explain how this not-DRM works. Basically, C&C4 requires you to have a persistent Internet connection to play. If your connection drops, then you can no longer progress through the campaign. Rather than play Ubisoft’s card and simply ignore any protestation to this anti-piracy measure, EALA have tried to justify the constant-connection requirement by basing the game around online cooperative play. This is why you have three different types of crawler, why it takes you far longer to unlock all the units than it does to complete the main storyline, and why (when playing alone) the odds seem overwhelmingly stacked against you.

In a way, EALA have been very clever, because when you do play cooperatively, the game is considerably more entertaining. Yet paradoxically they have also been very stupid, because playing cooperatively also means you pay far less attention to the storyline, the conclusion to which was the  original premise for the game.

Not that the storyline is particularly fantastic. Kane is as wonderfully malevolent as ever, and Joe Kucan clearly revels in bringing a little gravitas to his usually rather pantomime performance, but it also contains an embarrasingly weak plot twist. I won’t spoil it for you, but the main character’s incredibly irritating wife gets killed approximately four missions into the game. Trust me, this isn’t spoiling it for you.

C&C4 is a very bizarre game. EA’s desperation to protect their profits had led them to compromise almost everything that made C&C what it was, replacing it with a mishmash of recent strategy innovations which in combination only work inconsistently. When everything comes together, it can be quite exhilirating. Frankly though, Kane deserved a much better send off.

It's a sunny day in Settlersville, and God has got his magnifying glass.

It’s not often that playing a game results in a revelation. Usually the thought processes that occur while sat at a computer go little further than “there’s no way that guy shot me!” or “why the hell can’t I build any more tanks?” and let’s not forget the classic “ooh, that was a pretty explosion!”. But playing The Settlers 7 made me realise something that is all too often ignored in our modern world of immediacy and convenience. Put simply, bread is a real bitch to make.

To start with, you need space, a large amount of empty space on which to build a farm. Then you need grain fields, because it’s no good having fields full of grass. You can’t make bread out of grass, at least, none you would want to eat. Next you need a windmill… Wait, sorry I missed a step. Next you need workers for your grain fields, which means building some houses for them to live in, which in turn means you need a quarry and a woodcutter’s lodge to provide building materials. Oh yeah, and a sawmill to turn your wood-cuttings into planks. In fact, it might be an idea if you build all of those things first, because a farm made out of sticks and dandelions probably won’t last long. Once you’ve done all that, then you can build a windmill. Finally, unless you enjoy the taste of unprocessed flour, you need a baker to turn all that hard work into that most basic of foodstuffs. Told you it wasn’t easy.

Read the full review here.

Tagged with: