Yes, I know this screenshot have a "Move" Icon on it, and the review doesn't mention move.

No, I’m not going to go there. We all know what Tiger Woods did, and all the opinions that could possibly be held on the matter have been well and truly voiced, as have all the bad jokes that have surfaced since the incident. I’m as guilty as anyone else for participating in the worldwide mocking of one of the world’s greatest golfers, but right now I’m here to review a game, so let’s concentrate on that, shall we?

What I want to talk about is whether there’s any point whatsoever in buying this iteration of PGA Tour on the PS3. It’s been quite a while since I played a golf game other than the minigame on Wii Sports Resort, and I think this is somewhat understandable. After all, surely tapping the buttons on a gamepad pales in comparison to swinging a wii mote around.

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Review: Space Ark

Lights! Colours! Sounds! Fruit!

Space Ark is so cute it verges on the point of being creepy. Imagine Iggle Piggle vomiting glitter and rainbows onto a giggling Tellytubby. That’s the scale of cuteness we’re talking about here. If the eyes of the Arkonauts were any bigger they would probably fall out of their sockets. Don’t let the fact that the game is aimed squarely at younger kids lead you to automatically assume it’s rubbish. While that might usually be the case, Space Ark is actually a decent chunk of (incredibly) fluffy fun.

Taking command of the sickeningly cute Arkonauts, it is your job to help them repopulate the galaxy by terraforming planets so that they are suitably luscious for the Arkonauts to reside on. So how is this terraforming process performed? A mixture of atmosphere engines, air purifiers, water generators and life-seeders? Don’t be silly, the best way to create habitable worlds is by playing a game that combines Breakout, Peggle and a sprinkling of space-invaders, of course.

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Charles and Camilla's new mode of transport might be described as overkill.

Before I get into this review properly, I have to say that whoever thought putting a stationary turret section in ArmA 2: Operation Arrowhead was a good idea deserves to be tied naked to a serengeti tree branch before having their dangly parts painted green and introduced to a hungry giraffe.

Such an obscure and elaborate torture might seem unnecessary, but turret sections are irritating enough in the least realistic of shooting games. Not only are they enormously dull, they show a distinct lack of imagination on the part of the developer. But in a Military Simulator, where jet fighters and anti-air turrets actually work as they do in the real world, it’s an experience liable to have you pulling your own fingernails out with your teeth in frustration.

Read the full review here.

Points if you can see what's going on.

To openly admit to one of the biggest cliché’s in storytelling in the very title of your game is a pretty bold move. To then set your game in a stereotypical haunted castle complete with rattling chains, a mysterious host with a voice so deep and gravely its bordering on parody, and even a secret room hidden behind a bookshelf, seems more like waving a big pair of landing lights for the spectre of mediocrity. In fact, if you’re a newcomer to the twisted creative vision of Frictional Games, you’d be forgiven for thinking that their latest attempt at scaring the living daylights out of you was seriously lacking in the imagination department.

If, however, you’ve experienced the macabre delights of the Penumbra trilogy, then you will probably be drooling at the prospect of Frictional going back to the roots of Gothic horror. While the third part of their trilogy, Requiem may have been something of a misfire, Overture was an impressive first release from the developer, and Black Plague was a mini masterpiece, earning itself a nomination from the Writer’s Guild of Britain for best videogame script. Now, having got some serious hands-on time with Frictional’s upcoming title – Amnesia: The Dark Descent – I can say that you needn’t have any qualms about the apparent conventionality of Frictional’s second original IP.

Read the full preview here.

Ship-tipping, the explosive nautical equivalent of cow-tipping.

Even though this is only a preview, I think it’s safe to say that Commander: Conquest of the Americas will have some of the best looking water yet seen in a game. The campaign map shimmers a whole spectrum of blues, from the murky indigo of the mid-Atlantic to the crystalline colourings of the Caribbean.

I admit this is hardly the most important aspect of the spiritual successor to East India Company, but considering the game will revolve almost entirely around water, whether you’re sailing through it, trading across it, or fighting on it, it’s reassuring to know that Nitro Games have gone to the effort to make it look as realistic as possible.

Read the full preview here.

Review: Heroes of Newerth

No, I'm not sure what's going on either, but whatever it is, it's definitely green.

Any game that lets you play as a panda at least deserves a cursory glance. A game that lets you play as a panda and sixty-three other types of hero, on the other hand, deserves a damn long stare, preferably with your eyes screwed up and through a magnifying glass or another form of ocular enhancement. Heroes of Newerth is such a game, the latest in the increasingly popular genre of Multiplayer Online Battle Arena (MOBA) games.

The basic premise of the game pitches two teams of five players against one another, with the objective of both teams being to destroy their rival’s main base. Simple eh? That’s what I thought when I was stupid enough to dive right into the fray, disregarding the tutorial. I failed to acquire a single kill and experienced a cascade of insults from my frustrated team-mates.

Read the full review here.

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It's a sunny day in Settlersville, and God has got his magnifying glass.

It’s not often that playing a game results in a revelation. Usually the thought processes that occur while sat at a computer go little further than “there’s no way that guy shot me!” or “why the hell can’t I build any more tanks?” and let’s not forget the classic “ooh, that was a pretty explosion!”. But playing The Settlers 7 made me realise something that is all too often ignored in our modern world of immediacy and convenience. Put simply, bread is a real bitch to make.

To start with, you need space, a large amount of empty space on which to build a farm. Then you need grain fields, because it’s no good having fields full of grass. You can’t make bread out of grass, at least, none you would want to eat. Next you need a windmill… Wait, sorry I missed a step. Next you need workers for your grain fields, which means building some houses for them to live in, which in turn means you need a quarry and a woodcutter’s lodge to provide building materials. Oh yeah, and a sawmill to turn your wood-cuttings into planks. In fact, it might be an idea if you build all of those things first, because a farm made out of sticks and dandelions probably won’t last long. Once you’ve done all that, then you can build a windmill. Finally, unless you enjoy the taste of unprocessed flour, you need a baker to turn all that hard work into that most basic of foodstuffs. Told you it wasn’t easy.

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Never tell me the odds.

I must admit I’m quite fond of Achtung Panzer, simply because it has an absolutely brilliant name. It could be the worst game in the entire world, and I would still like it because, for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, the name makes me giggle like an overexcited baby every time I run it through head.

Yet the strangely amusing name belies a very serious war-simulation that prides itself on historical accuracy in terms of just about everything it does. If attention to detail is what gets you up in the morning, Achtung Panzer will be the best alarm clock you’ve ever bought. Each soldier, tank, and artillery piece has a vast array of information regarding firepower, movement speed, armour penetration etc. The game even has a “unit viewer” which allows you to get up close and personal to every in-game model, so you can scrutinise just how realistic each unit’s representation is.

Read the full review here.

Review: Rise of Prussia

Not much of a looker, but with dedication, a relationship can blossom

AGEOD’s games have always been something of an acquired taste. Epic in scope and astonishingly detailed, yet also harder than a granite statue of the Klitschko brothers and sporting a learning curve so sharp you risk severing a limb on it. It’s clear that the developers are catering for a very specific corner of the market. This is also apparent in the fact that, throughout all of th

eir games (Birth of America, Campaigns of Napoleon, World War One) very little has changed about them aside from where and when they are set.

However, according to AGEOD, their latest strategic venture Rise of Prussia is the most accessible of their games yet. Unfortunately this is a little bit like saying Hitler was a more amiable genocidal maniac than Stalin, because Rise of Prussia remains a bloody difficult game.

Read the full article here.

Review: Moto GP 09/10

Everything's So Blurry...

I should probably confess now that the last motorcycle game I played was Road Rash II on the Sega Megadrive, which came out in 1993, and it didn’t bode well for my review of MotoGP 09/10 when, upon discovering that you can’t punch rivals until they fall off their bikes, or beat them over the head with clubs and chains, I was slightly crestfallen. In fact, if you so much as scrape the paint of a rival’s motorcycle in MotoGP, you lose style points.

So, having about as much experience of motorcycles as Jeremy Clarkson, I decided to do a little bit of research into the franchise. I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice to say that the recent games of the series have been solid, if unspectacular racers with minimal differentiation between the annual releases. Despite the change in developer for this year’s iteration, with newcomers Monumental now at the helm, initially it appears that not an awful lot has changed. All the modes from the previous game are present and correct; Championship, Arcade, Time Trial, and Career. And the three types of bike remain unchanged at 150cc, 250cc and MotoGP (800cc).

Read the full article here.

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